Books I wished I read when I was younger, Part 2 - How To Win Friends

Old school cover, old school wisdom

Before reading this book, if you had asked me what the most significant challenge in the average adults life was to be, I probably wouldn’t have said “Dealing effectively with others, of course!”.  Likely, I would’ve said some crap about inner peace and spirituality. Love-able people don’t talk about how they came to be so love-able. Maybe, they just woke up some day and it was there, like puberty.

But Dale lays down some serious pipe in the inner workings of like-ability, backed up by examples of how prominent historical figures in history have displayed these very characteristics. It reminds me a bit of my study of Cyrus the Great in Xenophon’s Cyropaedia and how he won the allegiance of so many.

I have no idea how this book came to my attention.  Really.  Isn’t that funny? All I can remember is something about how “If you’ve had problems dealing with people, you need to read this book yesterday”.

Here’s the basic outline of the strategy proposed to win friends and influence people.

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Six Ways to Make People Like You

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a man’s Name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in the terms of the other man’s interest.
6. Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.

Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1. Avoid arguments.
2. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never tell someone they are wrong.
3. If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Begin in a friendly way.
5. Start with questions the other person will answer yes to.
6. Let the other person do the talking.
7. Let the other person feel the idea is his/hers.
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
9. Sympathize with the other person.
10. Appeal to noble motives.
11. Dramatize your ideas.
12. Throw down a challenge.

The sweet part about the book is that each and ever bullet point is baked up with real-life examples from common people at the time Dale was travelling around giving speeches, and from historical figures.

Chapter 5: The Secret of Socrates

In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing—and keep emphasizing—the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end, and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. Harry A. Overstreet, author of Influencing Human Behavior, considers the word “no” as one of the most difficult handicaps to overcome. When a person says, “No,” they have invested their pride of personality, which demands that they remain consistent with themselves. They may later feel that, “No,” might not have been the best answer, but they have their precious pride to consider. Once having said, “No,” they feel they must stick with that decision. The most important thing you can do is get them saying, “Yes,” right from the beginning.

Socrates was one of the greatest philosophers the world has ever known. He changed the whole course of human thought by introducing a technique now called the “Socratic method.” This technique was based upon getting a “yes, yes” response from his opponents. He would ask questions, to which his opponents would have to answer, “Yes,” to. By asking many questions in this vein, he kept his opponents saying, “Yes” instead of “No.” His opponents would finally, without realizing it, find themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes before.

The next time we are tempted to tell someone he or she is wrong, let’s remember old Socrates and ask a gentle question – a question that will get the “yes, yes” response.

Principle 5

Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

Conclusion

I’d give this book a definite must read unless you live in a cave.  I’ve seen a lot of people make the mistakes outlined in this book - it’s very interesting.  One of the most interesting arguments in the book is the argument against criticism. Everybody criticizes at one point or another and I cannot recall anyone avidly speaking out against criticisms as a general technique.  In parenting books, I think I’ve heard of the concept of positive reinforcement but it was never clear whether that stuff really worked.

The agruement itself is long and well thought-out so I suggest picking up the book  and reading it yourself but this is what I recall:  suddenly, early in the book, the author starts reciting the stories of Al Capone and John Wilkes Booth - this confused the hell out of me, until it’s explained the one thing they have in common for the purpose of the book: they all did many wrong things, and were criticized by the highest arm of the law to their extreme deteriment.  All of them, however, still were quoted as having been wrong by the system, or someone else, or that they were still basically good people.  The moral: people will always blame someone else, so it’s pointless to criticisze.   That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t punish murderers - just that if we want better results out of people in our lives encouragement and appretiation is probably a better tactic.

These arguments are what make How to Lose Friends and Influence People a timeless gem and a Essays on Stuff must-read.